So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
They have beer where we have blood.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
