On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
