I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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