Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
