if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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