So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Randomize
