First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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