it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
