You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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