Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you win again, gameday.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
