you're like a bully in the Christmas story
and you said cock pushups were impossible
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
