I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
the liver wants what the liver wants
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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