Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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