So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
