i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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