The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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