If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
