Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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