Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
