Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
