she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
