I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
