He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
