she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
