Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i now understand why vodka
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
