fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
birth control should be required to get into college
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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