If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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