fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
