Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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