I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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