I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
