I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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