Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
