you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
