Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I still have a little drunk in my system
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
