Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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