Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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