TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
