Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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