I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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