Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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