Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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