I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
