my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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