3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
