I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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