the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We had sex on a dog bed..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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