highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
