i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
