You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
